Dark Forest

I wonder how many dudes in their late 30s say that, "I miss [insert whatever person here]." A lot. It's almost a stereotype. The women move on, the men wallow. I guess that is the stereotype. The women go on to have a relationship, or relationships, good or bad. The men have a beer and get weird. The cat takes bites out of the houseplant and pukes an hour later (that last part is true, at least of my cat).

I no longer miss her in the sorrowful, terrified, desperate way. That is as close to hell as I've experienced (although it's far better than death, at least as far as I know). I miss her now in the sort of, "We had something, and it didn't work," type of way. We had something, and a lot of what we had was really wonderful, could have been wonderful, could have kept being wonderful.

It is one of those things where she'd probably agree, and she'd say something exorbitant, like, "You were the kindest person I've ever known and were with me through such hard times," a comment to indicate both the magnitude and the finitude of our experience together.

We were in love for 6 years, if you start the timer when we declared couplehood, and end the timer when she broke up with me. It has been three years now, or more? Or less? It's not healthy to keep too close a count.

I haven't been with anyone since then. I'm sure she has. She could be married, for all I know, or a Buddhist monk, or have children. She could be in a wonderful relationship, or with a woman, or perhaps she's been with many people.

But I haven't been with anyone. There have been people interested in me, which is shocking to me every single time.

I have learned that I apparently am diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. That's the type of thing I've probably had symptoms of for many years, but now that I name it, I notice it. Maybe that's part of why I haven't gotten involved with anyone.

Or maybe it's because I compare everything to what she and I had, for better or worse, the good and the bad. Or maybe it's because I am looking for her, again, in the form of another person, but it is not possible to find her.

I don't know why it is. I don't need to be with anyone. I don't know if I want to be. I do know that I'm getting older. I do know that most women, at least those around me, are already with someone, or have already been with someone and no longer are. Meanwhile, I am about 10 years behind the typical curve for a fellow, not just in regard to this aspect of life but really in regards to almost everything.

My fear is that I will one day realize I am old, and still alone. But I have a greater fear, a fear of being with someone again, losing them, and being older and alone again.

I'm not sure how all this ties in to the fact that, ultimately, I just miss her. But that's probably a false conclusion to arrive at. This is not all due to me missing her, is it? It is also not all due to me having been with her, having "failed".

I think she was my one great chance at the ideal I always held, the rewrite of the Romeo and Juliet, but we too turned out to be star-crossed, and, like so many other aspects of life, I have settled into that horrific disappointment, that life is not really what you make of it, no matter how many times Arnold Schwarzenegger or Shea LaBouf tell you to seize the day. Life is more what happens to you, than it is what you do. It is more about being done.

I am lucky, very lucky, in respect to that, for so many reasons, considering the absolute horrific things that happen to people, things that human society should have ameliorated long ago.

But, in regards to her, it was some luck, both good and bad; it was some decisions, both good and bad; it was some psychology, both good and bad; it was some responsibility, both hers and mine.

It just also was what it was, and it's done, and I thought I was done, too, yet I (thankfully) go on.

And what happens after that, I don't know.

Sometimes women are interested in me, once in a great while, and I am always shocked.

And I am never interested back, maybe because they are not her.

Or maybe it is due to other things.

One would hope.

I used to always just expect something would happen, that all the pieces would fall together. I thought things were "meant to be," and for me as a young person, there were a lot of things (which must not have been meant to be, because they weren't and aren't).

From age 17 until... 30? I thought music was it for me, my destiny. It was one of those things. For most of that time period, I practiced for hours every day. I wrote and wrote. I did shows all the time (rarely, if ever, getting paid). I never had to look very hard to find venues. They came to me, and I always said yes. I didn't even need plans or a set list. I didn't worry about that.

Eventually I did begin worrying about a setlist. In fact, eventually I just plain began worrying, and it seemed like a lot of work to do a show every few weeks and practice for hours a day.

Maybe once I stopped doing shows is when I stopped playing so much. Maybe that's also when I stopped writing so much. But maybe it wasn't all sustainable. Maybe even if I got paid, even if I had all kinds of professionals behind me, maybe it still wouldn't be sustainable.

But, whatever the case, it was something I thought was meant to be, and I thought if I just kept showing up, something would happen. Nothing ever happened. Maybe I had hit the saturation point, didn't realize it, and quit right before something was about to happen. Or maybe I was just doing it wrong.

Of course, it's possible I always sucked and didn't realize it, but if that were the case, I must have been in the narrow margin of suckitude where I'm not good enough for anything to happen, but not bad enough for people to stop asking me to show up and play.

Yeah, I really obsessed over Breath of the Wild, too. I looked, and it says I played it for like 175 hours or something. And I didn't even do any of the weird challenges (stressful) or much (any?) of the DLC. I didn't finish the shrines. I did do most of the actual game, though (90% or more).

So, given the vast time commitment, I obviously liked it, and I'd love another. That said, I think it had some design holes (again, maintaining it's still an excellent game).

(and yes, modern games have far too many buttons--I sometimes panic and oscillate between pressing no buttons at all, or pressing ALL the buttons)

I noticed early on that I was exploring just for the joy of it. That's a good thing. I marveled that they were able to get me to journey around and look behind crevices simply to see what was there, no gameplay reward. I often found absolutely nothing.

But, at some point, that wears a little thin. You need a gameplay hook to motivate you. They provided this, to some extent, but it was often just a chest containing crafting stuff I'd seen a hundred times or the same enemies I'd seen a hundred times. Some of the gameplay hooks wore thin, and others became a little obsessive and rote (I MUST GET TO THAT TOWER--and ended up ignoring much along the way). You don't ever want the player to say, "Why am I doing something I don't care about?"

And finally, it did not feel like a Zelda game. It was sort of billed as going back to series roots, but it did not do that to my way of thinking. It became kind of a different, new thing, a crazy open-world fantasy game with a Zelda skin. I was looking forward to playing an amazing re-imagining of the original Zelda, descending into those cleverly hidden labyrinths, but nope. They did not exist, and the shrines became as repetitive and unmotivating as everything else.

But, I bet I got a solid 100 hours (at least) of pure joy. The other 75 hours may have been some of "I've done this before and am sick of it" or "ALSKJAFSLJK@## why can't I block the stupid lion horse!"

I wonder where they will go now. Will they make a new Zelda game, or will they make a new Breath of the Wild game? Or will they finally combine the two and go back to the original Zelda's roots? I don't even know which I want now. I think a new Breath of the Wild could be amazing if they refined some of what I complained about above; I still think a re-imagining of the original Legend of Zelda could also be amazing.

I'd perhaps like one of each, please.

I wonder if this will come up as a giant photo and fill the entire screen. I don't remember how to do things.

Here I am, months ago now, like half a year ago now, in fact. I have definitely lost lots of weight since then, but the lighting here does two things: #1 it makes me look ridiculously assymetrical (seriously, don't zoom in); #2 it is a really flattering photo.

But for real. I was still way fat then, so I don't know why I'm posting it when I could be posting something more current.

(Well, that's a lie. I do know why I'm posting it. That was all just the preamble.)

Back at my previous job, once in a while, groups of younger folks (like aged 12-18) would come and visit, and I'd have to spend 30 seconds or 10 minutes talking at them. I'm not very good at that type of thing, but I just always loved seeing them and interacting with them. I think this time, I said something about how I'm weird, and a lot of people are weird but just don't get together or get the help they need, and so they think it's their fault, but basically the world is hostile to weird people, so seek out weird people and get yourself safe, like for starters, if you ever come to school here, and you're cool with me, come find me, because I'm weird, and I fkn get it, and it'll be okay because we can be weird together, and I can help with some stuff.

Anyway, a particular girl was really happy with what I'd said, so she drew me as a bat person (which I quite liked and think rather suits me). I don't know who the other people are (I think people that had come with the group).

Oh yeah, I guess you'll have to zoom in to see me as a bat more clearly. Hang on. I'll do it for you.


There you go. Man. I can't use imgur very well.

Anyway, this photo will always make me happy, because it will remind me of a time I said something that someone thought was nice, and then they drew me as a bat. Also. It's a flattering photo. And I'm kind of smiling. Sort of.

Readers: Is there anything I can take a photo of, and post, that you'd like to see? If the request is reasonable (i.e. I'm not going to post my ass--Aw man, now I have upset the zero people who want to see my ass!), I will do it.

Dating this a year in the future because I only have like 3 friends at the moment... :D

We've come to such a standardized, rote, factory-driven spot in society, that to make something stand out as unique, we now call it "handcrafted." It brings about the image of a craftsman, instead of a machine, someone getting in there, knuckles white, sweat on the brow.

But do you really want that when it comes to food? Handcrafted Coffee. Handcrafted Burgers. I've gone through my entire life trying to keep food out of my mouth that people have put their hands on. Now I need to pay extra for handcrafted food, food that people have specifically put their hands on for an upcharge. It's just come full circle.

Someone tagged me in this on Facebook. I haven't logged into Facebook for months and don't plan to now! I've had a good run!

CAN YOU FILL THIS OUT WITHOUT LYING? Yes, but actual truthfulness will complicate the answers more than you can imagine. I live every day this way. People don't want the truth. They want a vague summary.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? a complex chemical compound... potato, baked bean, and some other stuff

2. Where was your profile taken? Me in the hat, I think? It was in Mom's backyard.

3. Worst pain you've ever been in? emotional pain... I think the worst physical pain was when I had this weird stomach thing (which the doctors couldn't figure out, and it went away on its own)

4. Favorite place you've travelled to? I don't know really. Somewhere in nature... There were places in England I held dear, but that aspect of my life is dead and I wish buried.

5. How late did you stay up last night? I can't remember, maybe midnight or a little later. I was in bed though.

6. If you could move somewhere else, where it be? If I knew that, I would move there.

7. Which of your Facebook friends live closest to you? I've got FB friends in the houses on either side of me!

8. When was the last time you cried? I think maybe yesterday I did.

9. Who took your profile pic? Me

10. Who was the last person you took a picture with? my co-worker Annette's husband, Michael, on Friday night

11. What's your favorite season? Summer, even though my skin can't always handle the sun

12. If you could have any career, what would it be? How many of us are even lucky enough to be able to answer this anymore?

13. What was the last book you read? I'm reading The Mothman Prophecies at the moment, and before that, I was reading A History of Ghosts. I don't remember what the last book I finished was.

14. If you could talk to ANYONE face to face right now who would it be? I don't really want to talk to anyone right now, but let's pretend I do. And... I don't know. Living? Dead? Either? I guess someone who knows the secrets of the universe, but I'm beginning to doubt there are any people.

15. Are you a good influence? --On whom? "Good" is too complicated to answer this question honestly.

16. Does pineapple belong on a pizza? Why would you judge someone for putting pineapple on pizza? If you don't like it, fine, but some people do, so fuck off.

17. You have the remote, what are you watching? I don't knww.

18. What are you doing right now? What do you think I'm doing? I'm answering this damn thing! Who can do this and something else at the same time?

19. Who do you think will play along?? No one. It is a bit sad that the person who posted this, does not know that I played along, because she is on Facebook and I am here, and I don't want to log in to Facebook. How sad.

Man. I can't even seem to write entries anymore, much less read other people's. Kind of sucks. Why don't I have time for anything? I feel as though I'm always teetering on a fencepost, always chasing a carrot, always thinking if I can just make it a little longer, things will be different, but how long have I felt that way? 6 years? 7? Longer? I feel like I didn't use to be like this, but how would I even know?

cause everyone love outfits and toilets