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jesse_dylanAll I've ever wanted was to be with one person. That didn't happen. I am 35 now, and the reality has truly set in that not only did that not happen, it cannot happen. Maybe I will still meet someone and be with them the rest of my life, but it seems increasingly unlikely.
In fact, I am so particular, so full of neediness and insecurity, so full of flaws and baggage, and so full of wants, it seems absolutely impossible that there could be anyone (yes, anyone) out there for me, and if there actually was, it seems like it would take a miracle for us to meet, and I don't know if I believe in miracles anymore. I am, however, somewhat persuaded to believe in math, and math says that once I lay out all the stipulations, the odds go to almost zero.
In a sensible age range, no kids (probably), no desire for kids, vegetarian/vegan, progressive, likes video games, tolerates my gross jealousy and insecurity and baggage, either doesn't watch TV or at least doesn't need to watch it LOUDLY, doesn't like sports, does like hiking/outdoors/birds/trees/clouds/stars, accepts my weird sensitivity/anxiety/crankiness, does not need or want me to have much money or a nice car or a fancy job or any of those things society says women want, is nerdy...
I could go on.
I am, I think, describing a person that maybe does not exist, and if they do, again, they are probably with someone else or otherwise are not someone I will ever encounter, and should I encounter them, even then, the odds of "love at first sight" and actually ending up together, seem like a mathematical impossibility.
Maybe I will never be with anyone again. I would be okay with that, as long as I could be okay with the fact that I will never be with her again, and be okay with her moving on, and be ok with her being with someone else (or many someone elses). Maybe me never being with anyone again is also preferable to being with several people. Because that's what I fear, that I will have a couple more long-term relationships, a few short-term ones, not necessarily in that order, and then I will die, alone, unfulfilled in any fashion.
But maybe I can and will accept all this. It seems like in the last few years, I have had to come to accept many uncomfortable truths, each of which have nearly pushed me over the edge: It is possible that nothing exists after death; It is highly unlikely that I will ever have any type of career with my music; I will never be with her, and our relationship was never what I thought it was; I will never be the type of person who has a single lifemate and lives happily ever after.
I am getting old and accepting all these things that each seemed (or still seem) so awful, so maybe soon I will be able to accept too what it is that I am having such a hard time accepting right now.
It is possible that life after death is a fairy tale; it is also possible that the notion of there being "someone for everyone" is also a fairy tale. It is possible that I am entirely, existentially alone, and that any feeling of having been eternally linked with someone, or at least linked for life, was utter illusion. All I wanted was to be with her forever. That was all she wanted, at least for some of the 6 years we were together, but she definitely does not want that now, and probably has not for quite some time.
It is highly likely that living in ignorance is preferable.
In fact, I am so particular, so full of neediness and insecurity, so full of flaws and baggage, and so full of wants, it seems absolutely impossible that there could be anyone (yes, anyone) out there for me, and if there actually was, it seems like it would take a miracle for us to meet, and I don't know if I believe in miracles anymore. I am, however, somewhat persuaded to believe in math, and math says that once I lay out all the stipulations, the odds go to almost zero.
In a sensible age range, no kids (probably), no desire for kids, vegetarian/vegan, progressive, likes video games, tolerates my gross jealousy and insecurity and baggage, either doesn't watch TV or at least doesn't need to watch it LOUDLY, doesn't like sports, does like hiking/outdoors/birds/trees/clouds/stars, accepts my weird sensitivity/anxiety/crankiness, does not need or want me to have much money or a nice car or a fancy job or any of those things society says women want, is nerdy...
I could go on.
I am, I think, describing a person that maybe does not exist, and if they do, again, they are probably with someone else or otherwise are not someone I will ever encounter, and should I encounter them, even then, the odds of "love at first sight" and actually ending up together, seem like a mathematical impossibility.
Maybe I will never be with anyone again. I would be okay with that, as long as I could be okay with the fact that I will never be with her again, and be okay with her moving on, and be ok with her being with someone else (or many someone elses). Maybe me never being with anyone again is also preferable to being with several people. Because that's what I fear, that I will have a couple more long-term relationships, a few short-term ones, not necessarily in that order, and then I will die, alone, unfulfilled in any fashion.
But maybe I can and will accept all this. It seems like in the last few years, I have had to come to accept many uncomfortable truths, each of which have nearly pushed me over the edge: It is possible that nothing exists after death; It is highly unlikely that I will ever have any type of career with my music; I will never be with her, and our relationship was never what I thought it was; I will never be the type of person who has a single lifemate and lives happily ever after.
I am getting old and accepting all these things that each seemed (or still seem) so awful, so maybe soon I will be able to accept too what it is that I am having such a hard time accepting right now.
It is possible that life after death is a fairy tale; it is also possible that the notion of there being "someone for everyone" is also a fairy tale. It is possible that I am entirely, existentially alone, and that any feeling of having been eternally linked with someone, or at least linked for life, was utter illusion. All I wanted was to be with her forever. That was all she wanted, at least for some of the 6 years we were together, but she definitely does not want that now, and probably has not for quite some time.
It is highly likely that living in ignorance is preferable.