jesse_dylan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jesse_dylan) wrote2017-05-01 01:24 am
jesse_dylan) wrote2017-05-01 01:24 am
You can't find a savior if you can't look in the mirror.
I was so desperate to save her, from the beginning until the end. She used to tell me that she would be dead if she hadn't met me. I never believed that was true. But I did know, from the very beginning, that I would never leave her, that if it ended, it would have to be because she left me. 6 years later, that's what happened.
I was so overprotective, which she interpreted in all kinds of ways: jealousy, lack of trust, maybe even downright androcentrism. Maybe that wasn't the worst, not compared to my insecurity--but how could I not be, 4000 miles away? How could I not be, even when we were together, when I constantly knew she was slipping away? Year after year?
Maybe I was so desperate to save her, so desperate to protect her, so anxious and so afraid, because deep down I am actually desperate for someone to save me, because I always believed until the end that we could save each other...
...when, in the end, we have to save ourselves?
I can't imagine anyone ever being able to deal with all my baggage. It's not as if I can pretend it's not there. Even when I finally heal, how could I possibly forget her? In the face of that, there is no one who could save me, and I have seen I can't save anyone else. It seems equally impossible that I could ever save myself.
I was so overprotective, which she interpreted in all kinds of ways: jealousy, lack of trust, maybe even downright androcentrism. Maybe that wasn't the worst, not compared to my insecurity--but how could I not be, 4000 miles away? How could I not be, even when we were together, when I constantly knew she was slipping away? Year after year?
Maybe I was so desperate to save her, so desperate to protect her, so anxious and so afraid, because deep down I am actually desperate for someone to save me, because I always believed until the end that we could save each other...
...when, in the end, we have to save ourselves?
I can't imagine anyone ever being able to deal with all my baggage. It's not as if I can pretend it's not there. Even when I finally heal, how could I possibly forget her? In the face of that, there is no one who could save me, and I have seen I can't save anyone else. It seems equally impossible that I could ever save myself.