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[personal profile] jesse_dylan
Who was the last person you texted?
I hope the font isn't screwed up this time.  It was either my brother or DeAna/Annette.

How can you prove your love to someone?
OMG...  Every time I turn off bold, it unbolds everything.  Why can't they make this work the way you'd expect it to?  Anyway, you prove your love by being there, dependable as a goddamn boring stone, until they get sick of you and leave you.  No greater love than that.  As soon as they see you're human, even if it takes 6 years, they will leave, and then you question everything about yourself and the universe.  That's how you prove your love.  You can never prove love anyway.  We're all as fickle as the leaves on trees, changing our colors and dropping in the slightest gust of wind.

What sports do you play?
I don't sport.

Who is the first person in your contacts?
Oh, this must be from when people spent time on their computers instead of their phones, and you could arrange your chat contact list?

If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with?
I really have no idea.  Mary asked me this once, when we'd first started dating, and she said, "It's okay.  You can say Wayne Dyer."  I wanted to be with her, but I guess it wouldn't have turned out so well.  Actually, maybe I should be on an island with someone who knows what the fuck to do when you're stranded on an island.

What chocolate is your favorite?
Some chocolate just tastes really cheap and American.  Anything else is fine.  Can't even remember the last time I had chocolate.

How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have?
"did" I have?  So like at one time?  Or am I dead now, looking back?  The use of the word "did" confuses me.  I think they mean to ask, how many have I had.  I have had 6.

Where do you want to be right now?
If I knew that, I'd go there.  Here is nice, if we are really talking right now, as in this specific moment.  It would be a real bother to go anywhere else.  I want to at least finish my tea and biscuits.

What do you want to be in the future?
Be?  What do you mean, be?  Are you asking about occupations and professions?  If so, I will not be any of those things; I will be me, doing those things.  So what do I want to do, is what you mean to ask?  I would like to be an internet survey critic.  I would like to do something in nature.  I would like peace and solitude.  I would like to do something creative.  I would like to be a singer-songwriter.  I would like to be the singer-songwriter for Audioslave/Rage Against the Machine and sing Rage songs, Audioslave songs, and write albums of our own together, and then I'd like to do solo acoustic shows on the side.

When was the last time you cried?
I tend to just bottle it up, and then I cry at things no one else would cry at.

If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life?
We're all given that chance, every single day, but it is, after all, just a chance, and for some of us, a minuscule one.

What was the best thing you were given?
What "was" the best thing I was given?  It makes it sound like I'm dead, looking back at my life.  I don't know.  She gave me a lot of thoughtful presents, so I would have chosen one of those.  But, thinking back further, I think when Mom got me a Super Nintendo for Christmas '91, that is probably the best (I opened it way early... like every day I'd take it out... then put it back in the box in the closet...)  I remember being at Captron Games (long closed--I was like 9, and all the young men at the game stores all knew me), saying to Mom, "It comes with Super Mario World, and it's the only game I'll ever need!"

What is your favorite dish?
Why do I feel like this was written by my late grandmother?  My favorite dish?  I'll have the Bloo Blee Bleh over Blah Blah Sauce, please.  Favorite dish?  Christ.  PIZZA is my goddamn favorite dish, because I'm a member of the working poor and sometimes the walking dead.

Name someone pretty.
My sister.  (I don't have a sister.)

What kind of person do you want to date?
My sister.  (I don't have a sister.)  I don't know, really.  I don't know if it's a good idea to spell out whom I want to date.  I don't think we can really KNOW.  Or should we?  I'm always so willing to compromise.  Maybe I should write it down, to the letter?  Good idea, when I'm older, fatter, balder than ever; when I've come to the part of my life where I really can't be all all that choosy, get choosy.  Good plan.

How’s your heart?
My resting heart rate is often under 60 due to biking up the giant hill 4-5 times weekly (not sure what I'll do in the winter--been thinking about trying to get a winter bike), and my irregular heartbeat has generally stopped, too, due either to that or to how I eat.

Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”?
No, I did not ever.  I did not ever have one.  Did you ever eat a hotdog?  Did ya?

Do you like someone as of the moment?
I like lots of people.  What are you trying to imply?  Pervert.

What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?
I don't want to say anything to them.  I've said all there is to say.  I could apologize again, tell them I love them again.  I will always feel sorry, and I'll always love them.  But what's the point in saying it?

Did you try to change for a person?
We've all done tried to change for a person.  Maybe you're asking for a specific example.  I really tried, really really fucking hard, to be strong.  I don't know anyone who's been as strong as I tried to be.

What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?
The nicest thing have I given to someone, sic, is... uh...  I don't know really.  I don't remember what I've given people.  My time, actually.  The nicest thing I've ever given anyone is my precious time, and I give it a lot.  I exchange it, along with anxiety and effort, for money.  It is a sick way of life.

Name someone you can’t live without.
Myself, as far as I know, but I hope I am wrong and I would continue living without "me" as well.  That is my fervent hope.

Describe your dream date.
I'd really rather not.  :(  I'd be okay with a lot of things, as long as they were kind to me and we got along.  Mary surprised me with a birthday date once, and it was really nice.  Hopefully she knew that.  I told her how nice it was, but she was pretty good at sweeping the nice stuff under the table and only looking at the mess on the floor.

Describe your dream wedding.
My dream is to not have one.  I think a little ceremony would be okay, maybe in the forest.  I wouldn't really want many/any people there.  I might play a song.  IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.  IT'S MY ONE DAY TO BE A PRINCESS.  I really, really hate weddings, can I just say?

How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?
Zero, and I'm glad.  Don't cut flowers just to watch them die.

Have you ever been kissed?
Is this an existential question?

How long is your longest relationship?
6 years.

Do people praise you for your looks?
No.  Even when I was really, really good looking for brief periods of time, no one did really.  Romantic partners, yeah, they would praise my looks from time to time.  

Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?
Whom is to say when it comes to "should" and "shouldn't"?  Whom should you fall for?  Should you fall at all?  Is love really "falling"?  Does it need to be, or are we just giving up responsibility?  I guess I shouldn't have fallen for any of them, right?  Cause here I am.

Do you like getting hurt?
No!

What hair color do you prefer?
Hair hurts me!

Do you love someone as of the moment?
I love everyone, but sometimes anxiety/stress turn that love into something less loving.

Are you good at holding back your tears?
Yes.  I can't even cry when I want to.  Well, unless I'm acting.  You know, like, theatrically.  

What kind of person are you?
I may not be the best singer, but mama, I got a nice pair of tits.

Have you ever thought of killing someone?
We've all thought about it, one way or another.  Even if you've said, "Someone should assassinate Trump," you have thought of it.  If you've had hatred or anger for someone in your heart, that's the same as thinking of killing them.  Anyway, yes, I'm sure I have, but I don't think killing someone is ever right or even helpful.  But maybe I'm being idealistic.  

Have you ever been jealous?
All the damn time.

Who is the 6th person in your contacts?
It's alphabetical, man.

Do you have any memories you want to erase?
Yeah, but that's not safe.  Anyway, our brains do a pretty good job sifting through it all for us.  Our brains are like iPhones.  You don't actually have to close programs.  You may think you're doing something, but unless it has crashed, you are not.  Our brains, and iPhones, manage that shit just fine in the background, so stay the hell out of it.

Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?
Yeah. :(

Have you ever had an argument with someone?
Yeah.  Raising your voice never helps.  Although with some people, it seemed like they would not listen to me, ever, unless I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown.  Then, finally, they'd pay attention (briefly) to my needs.

Do you have trust issues?
Yeah, I sure fucking do.  Can you blame me?

Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”?
Jesus

Do you think all the pain is worth it?
Worth what?  Not being dead?  Realizing something is dangerous and pulling back?  It's interesting that, when reading this question, few would think of physical pain.  But if it's chronic physical pain (no, I don't have any, luckily), no, it's not worth it.  But pain is designed to send us the message to get the hell out of a situation.  We should listen to it, I think.  Maybe.  I don't know.  Maybe not.  I'm ready to be done with this.  No one will read it, and I don't even know what I'm saying.

Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”?
No!  It's bullshit we repeat to absolve ourselves of responsibility and to make ourselves feel better, to self-soothe, and something we say to people when we don't know what else to say.  None of our situations have simply fallen from the heavens.  This has all been caused.  We need to take an active role in choosing what we cause, and doing it deliberately.  Things will BE when we make them BE.  If we can't, that's fine, but don't create a god of fate to blame or lean on.

Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”?
6 times, but especially the 6th time.

How do you look right now?
Well that's pretty goddamn objective.  I'm wearing glasses, a watch, a labradorite stone on a string around my neck, and some cotton athletic shorts.  I have patches of pale skin, patches where my skin has darkened in order to protect itself from the murderous UV I subject it to, and other parts where it and myself were unable to protect it and I got a slight burn.  I look younger than my age.  I look fatter than a human ought to look.  

Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?
Pretty much always.

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